


It Lasted Forever (And Ended So Soon)

by Robin Hood (kjack89)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucket List, Cancer, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, M/M, a walk to remember au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 08:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15904467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/pseuds/Robin%20Hood
Summary: He didn’t mean it to sound as sour as it did, but Carisi’s expression tightened and he shook his head slowly. “42,” he muttered, seemingly to no one, and Rafael stared at him.“42?” he questioned.“42 is befriend someone who doesn’t like me,” Carisi said, almost like he was reciting it from memory, and at Rafael’s blank stare, he added, “It’s a to-do list I have for my life. Like a bucket list, kinda, but, uh, a little less big, flashy activities.”“Like get a new personality?” Rafael quipped.





	It Lasted Forever (And Ended So Soon)

**Author's Note:**

> For AHF and ships-to-sail for encouraging this madness.
> 
> Kind of/sort of A Walk to Remember AU. Drawing on the general idea, more or less, but updated to make sense for Barisi. Hopefully, anyway.
> 
> Title is from the song "Cry" by Mandy Moore as featured in the film A Walk to Remember.
> 
> Usual disclaimer. Please be kind and tip your fanfic writers in the form of comments and/or kudos!

Rafael stepped out of the Uber and pulled his sunglasses off, hanging them from the neck of his shirt as he made his way up to the front door of the unassuming little house on Staten Island. Before he could even ring the doorbell, the door opened, and Rafael was enveloped in a tight hug. “Rafael!” Dominick Carisi Sr. said warmly, taking a step back to look him up and down. “It’s been too long.”

Smiling slightly, Rafael offered, “Sorry for not visiting recently—”

“Oh, no, I understand,” Dom assured him, ushering him into the house. “I know how busy your caseload gets. Crime doesn’t get vacation days, after all.” He chuckled to himself at his own joke before settling down in the armchair across from the couch where Rafael had sat, his smile softening slightly as he looked fondly at Rafael. “So how have you been doing?”

Rafael shrugged. “Some days are easier than others,” he answered honestly before changing the subject. “Where’s Tessa?”

“Out with Bella and Fiona,” Dom said comfortably. “But don’t worry, the lasagna’s already in the oven, and she’ll be back in time for dinner.”

Rafael laughed lightly. “I wasn’t worried,” he assured him, and Dom gave him a wide smile.

“Oh, before I forget,” Dom started, grabbing a folded piece of paper from the coffee table and holding it out to Rafael, “I found this and I thought you might want to have it.”

Rafael’s brow furrowed as he took the paper and carefully unfolded it, his expression softening as a slow, sad smile of recognition crossed his face. “The list,” he murmured, more to himself than to Dom.

“Sonny’s bucket list,” Dom said fondly. “Everything he wanted to do before he…”

He trailed off and Rafael swallowed, hard, automatically reaching to lightly touch the golden band on his left ring finger. “Before he died.”

 

**42\. Befriend someone who doesn’t like me**

“Olivia, this is incredibly unnecessary,” Rafael complained, already knowing it was an argument he was bound to lose but too stubborn to just drop it.

Olivia sighed, and he felt a pang when he realized how exhausted she looked. “Rafael, I’m not in a position to refute threat assessment,” she told him before adding, in a softer voice, “Besides, I’ll sleep better at night knowing someone’s watching your back, so if you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for me.”

Rafael had to swallow his retort to that one, because he had a feeling flinging _‘Watching my back like you watched Mike’s?’_ in her face was only going to backfire. “Fine,” he said stiffly. “But I expect a generous perimeter.”

“You’ll have to take that up with the detective in charge of your detail,” Olivia said, and Rafael’s eyes narrowed.

“And who is the detective in charge of my detail?”

As if on cue, a knock sounded on Olivia’s office door, and Carisi poked his head in. “Hey, Lieu,” he said, nodding at Rafael. “Counselor.”

Rafael looked at Olivia with mock-horror. “Please tell me you’re joking,” he said.

Olivia cleared her throat and Rafael had the sinking suspicion she was trying not to laugh. “Det. Carisi will be handling your security detail,” she said pleasantly.

Rafael sighed and closed his eyes. “Just as long as he stays ten steps behind me and doesn’t talk to me in public,” he said through gritted teeth.

* * *

 

Not even two hours later, Carisi stood in Rafael’s apartment, hands in his pockets as he glanced around. “So, uh, I guess I’ll be sleeping on the couch,” he said, and Rafael made what might have been considered a whimper before making a beeline for the scotch he kept in a cupboard in the kitchen.

“I don’t suppose I get any say in this?” Rafael asked, somewhat despairingly.

Carisi just laughed lightly. “Not so much, no,” he said, “but you could at least pretend that this isn’t the worst thing to ever happen to you.”

“Forgive me if I don’t feel much like pretending,” Rafael sniped.

Carisi just sighed as he sat down on the couch. “Tell me,” he started conversationally, “which part do you hate most, the fact that someone has to tail you 24/7 or the fact that that person is, for the moment, me? Because, uh, forgive me for thinking so but I was under the impression we were finally something like friends—”

“Don’t you have a high opinion of yourself,” Rafael grumbled, pouring himself a glass of scotch.

Carisi ignored him. “So considering how much worse this could be for you, you could be just a little bit grateful, is all I’m saying.”

“Grateful?” Rafael repeated, incredulous, tossing back his drink in one gulp. “You think I should be grateful to have my life completely interrupted by one of the most irritating individuals I’ve had the misfortune to work with?”

Something darkened in Carisi’s expression. “What, I still haven’t worn you down after all this time?” he joked, though it fell flat, and he tried a different tack. “You can’t honestly tell me you’d rather be stuck with Fin or Amanda.”

Rafael glared at him, but Carisi had a point. “Fine,” he said, a little stiffly, pouring himself a second drink before adding, “And I...apologize. For saying you were irritating.”

Carisi just laughed. “I’m a gay Catholic from Staten Island, Barba,” he said. “If you want to hurt my feelings, you’re gonna have to try a little harder than that.”

Despite his foul mood, Rafael managed a laugh at that. “Fair point,” he said, bringing his drink into the living room and sitting down across from Carisi. “What do you say we start over?”

“You sure it won’t kill you to try?” Carisi teased, his dimples creasing his cheeks as he grinned at him.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Given the very real threats on my life, that joke seems a little tasteless.”

He didn’t mean it to sound as sour as it did, but Carisi’s expression tightened and he shook his head slowly. “42,” he muttered, seemingly to no one, and Rafael stared at him.

“42?” he questioned.

“42 is befriend someone who doesn’t like me,” Carisi said, almost like he was reciting it from memory, and at Rafael’s blank stare, he added, “It’s a to-do list I have for my life. Like a bucket list, kinda, but, uh, a little less big, flashy activities.”

“Like get a new personality?” Rafael quipped.

Carisi ignored him. “Like get a tattoo. Be in two places at once. Pass the Bar.”

Rafael arched an eyebrow at him. “Well I already helped you achieve one thing on your list,” he said. “Surely you don’t expect me to help you with a second.” He didn’t wait for Carisi to respond. “What’s number one on your list?”

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

Rafael glared at him. “The murder jokes aren’t going to get any funnier, you realize.”

“I think you’re underestimating just how much time I have on my hands to keep trying,” Carisi said with a grin.

“God, don’t remind me,” Rafael groaned, squeezing his eyes shut for a long minute before opening them and glaring at Carisi. “On that note, I’m going to bed. I fervently hope that I won’t see you tomorrow.”

He stood and left the room before giving Carisi a chance to respond, his scowl deepening when he heard Carisi call after him, “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you!”

* * *

 

When Rafael stumbled out of his bedroom the next morning, the first thing he saw was Carisi in the kitchen, making coffee. “Oh God,” Rafael groaned. “You’re still here?”

“Of course I’m still here,” Carisi mumbled through a yawn. “I don’t have anywhere better to be.”

He blearily held a cup of coffee out for Rafael, who accepted it and drained half in one gulp before blinking up at him. “Thanks,” he said, a little grudgingly.

Carisi managed a small, tired smile. “No problem,” he said easily, leaning against the counter in Rafael’s kitchen wearing nothing but his boxers and undershirt like it was the most ordinary thing in the world. “So, friends?” he asked, his smile twitching more towards a smirk.

Rafael gave him a look. “Don’t push it,” he warned, even as he took another sip of coffee.

“I’m not worried,” Carisi said with a shrug. “After all, I got plenty of time to keep trying.”

 

**26\. Get a tattoo**

“Detective.”

Carisi glanced up from whatever case notes he was working on, blinking when he saw who was standing in front of his desk. “Counselor,” he said, before adding, somewhat suspicious, “What do you want?”

“I have to want something to talk to you?” Rafael asked, amused.

Carisi didn’t look impressed. “When’s the last time you just decided to stop by and say hello?”

“And here I thought you were the one who wanted us to be friends.” Rafael waited for the joke to land, but Carisi’s expression didn’t change, and Rafael sighed. “Fine. I need an extra set of eyes going over some precedent for a case. Olivia already said that I could borrow you.”

Carisi cocked his head slightly. “So just so I’m clear here, you’re asking for my help?”

Rafael blinked. “Yes,” he said, like it was obvious.

“Ok,” Carisi said, looking back down at the case file in front of him. “I’ll pray for you.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Carisi, look—”

“When was the last time you asked somebody for help?” Carisi interrupted without looking up at him. “Because normally a request like yours requires flattery and groveling, and all of the things that Rafael Barba can’t generally bring himself to do.”

Rafael opened his mouth and abruptly closed it again. He leaned down over Carisi’s desk, lowering himself into the detective’s line of sight until Carisi couldn’t help but glance up at him. “Detective,” Rafael said, his voice low, “there are three 16-year-old girls trying to put their rapist behind bars. If you won’t help me for my sake, will you help me for their sake?”

Carisi’s lips quirked toward a smile. “Well, when you put it like that,” he sighed, gathering his stuff together. He paused. “I have one condition, though.”

“You have a _condition_?” Rafael repeated, scowling.

“Just the one,” Carisi said cheerfully. He met Rafael’s gaze squarely. “You have to promise not to fall in love with me.”

Rafael stared blankly at him. “Where the hell did _that_ come from?” he demanded.

Carisi shrugged. “Those are my conditions, Counselor,” he said easily. “Take ‘em or leave ‘em.”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “That won’t be a problem.”

“Good,” Carisi said, standing. “Then what are you waiting for?”

He strode toward the elevator, leaving Rafael staring after him, baffled.

* * *

 

Rafael was trying to concentrate on the case law he was supposed to be searching through, but he kept getting distracted.

Namely by Carisi.

Namely be trying to figure what exactly the detective had meant by _that._

He was staring somewhat blankly at the detective, pen dangling absently from the corner of his mouth as he did, when Carisi shifted and stretched, wincing as he did. “Problem?” Rafael asked, and Carisi glanced up at him.

“Oh, uh, my, uh, my arm hurts.”

For some reason, the stuttered statement caused his face to flush red, and Rafael smirked. “What, did you injure yourself in some kind of ridiculous way?” he asked.

Carisi’s blush darkened. “Not quite,” he muttered.

Rafael propped his chin on his hand. “Ok, well now you _have_ to tell me,” he said, and when Carisi glared up at him, his smirk widened. “Come on, you can’t obfuscate like that and expect me to just _drop_ it. I thought you knew me better than that.”

For a moment, it looked like Carisi was just going to brush him off, but then he took a deep breath and sighed. “I got a tattoo,” he mumbled, so quietly that Rafael almost didn’t hear him.

“You — what?”

Carisi stared determinedly down at the table. “I got a tattoo,” he repeated. “On the inside of my bicep. And truth be told, it hurts like a motherfucker, ok?”

“Let me see it.”

The words were out of Rafael’s mouth before he could stop them, and Carisi looked up at him, startled, and a small smile crept across his face. “Have you forgotten the magic word, Counselor?” he asked, his blush fading slightly.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Please may I see your tattoo?” he said, layering the sarcasm on thick.

Carisi hesitated, then shrugged, unbuttoning his shirt and tugging it off. “Truth be told, I’ve been dying to show someone,” he admitted. “But I can’t tell Amanda yet or she’ll kill me for not taking her with me when I went.”

He turned his arm to show Rafael the small, plain tattoo that now adorned the pale inside of his bicep, and Rafael tried very hard not to notice the way his muscle moved under the skin. Instead, he stared at the elegant black script beneath a simple cross: MIKE DODDS, RIP, and underneath that, ROMANS 14:8.

“Very nice,” he said diplomatically, tearing his eyes away and looking back down at the papers in front of him.

Carisi frowned slightly. “Very nice?” he repeated. “That all you have to say?”

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “What would you like me to say?” he asked, amused despite himself. “It’s not my taste but it’s not my body.”

“Not your taste?” Carisi repeated, sounding insulted, and Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Not like that,” he said impatiently. “Just that I would never get a tattoo like that. Nor, for that matter, would I likely ever get a tattoo. But I get that you’re into—” He waved a vague hand in Carisi’s direction. “All that.”

Carisi’s eyes narrowed. “All that?” he said, a dangerous edge to his voice. “You mean my religion?”

“If that’s what you want to call it,” Rafael said coolly.

Carisi set his pen down on the table, but to Rafael’s surprise, he didn’t look angry or insulted anymore. “I have my beliefs,” he said calmly. “I have faith. But don’t you?”

“No,” Rafael said shortly. “There’s too much bad shit in this world for me to still have faith.”

Carisi leaned forward, his expression earnest. “Without suffering, there can be no compassion—”

“Tell that to those who suffer,” Rafael said sharply, cutting him off.

Carisi sat back in his seat, something like disappointment crossing his face. Then he shrugged and looked back at the casefile in front of him. “You know,” he said conversationally, “that would be a lot more believable if it weren’t for that crucifix you’ve got around your neck.”

Rafael’s hand flew up to close around the small crucifix his grandmother had given him. It was hidden under his shirt as always, and for a brief moment, he wondered how Carisi had even known he was wearing it. “That’s not the same thing,” he said, but Carisi just shrugged again.

“Whatever you say, Counselor,” he said, his focus fully back on the casefile as he picked his pen up again. “Just know that your act only works on an audience.”

Rafael bit back his retort, mostly because he didn’t really have anything to say to that, and settled instead for looking appraisingly at Carisi. He had always preened at the detective’s obvious hero worship when they first started to work together, but this — this was something else entirely.

This was them on equal footing, and Rafael was afraid to admit just how much he liked that thought.

So he ducked his head and went back to his own work, and he tried to ignore the curious warmth that curled in his stomach that refused to give name to. He tried also to ignore the niggling voice in the back of his head that told him that what he had said to Carisi before may just have been a lie — that this might end up being a problem after all.

 

**18\. Be in two places at once**

 But Rafael was nothing if not contrary, and therefore he tried harder than ever to distance himself from the detective after the little revelation about the other man’s tattoo — or more specifically, what Carisi’s newfound confidence did to him.

He realized he had perhaps distanced himself a little too hard when Carisi blew up at him one day over a particular case where Rafael chose not to use the precedent Carisi had found for him. While the precedent in question likely wasn’t admissible regardless, Carisi seemed to take it as a personal insult, and given how things had cooled between them in the interim, Rafael figured he really had no one to blame for that but himself.

Which meant it was also on him to fix it.

He took his chance late one night, swinging by the precinct when he knew Carisi was likely to be finishing up for the day. Well, he didn’t just _know_ offhand, but he had convinced Olivia to text him when Carisi was finishing up for the day and, being a good friend who wasn’t going to ask too many questions, she did.

“Detective,” Rafael said in greeting, hovering next to Carisi’s desk. “Working hard or hardly working?”

Carisi didn’t even look up at him, which was honestly for the best since Rafael had winced at the exceedingly awkward words that had just come out of his own mouth. “If you need my help again with something, the answer’s no.”

Rafael sighed. “I didn’t come here to ask for your help.”

“Well, whatever you came here for, I don’t want any part of it.”

Carisi stood but Rafael quickly stepped in front of him to block him. “Look — I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Carisi asked, a challenge clear in his voice. “For completely dismissing the hard work that I did — in my free time, i would add — without so much as a thank you? For thinking that you’re the best and no one else can possibly contribute to your greatness?”

Rafael winced at the vitriol in his voice and tried for a joke to diffuse the tension. “Ouch, tell me how you really feel.”

Carisi just rolled his eyes. “Goodnight,” he said dismissively, moving to shoulder past Rafael, who caught his arm.

“Wait,” Rafael said, less of a command than he intended, but something in his voice made Carisi pause nonetheless. “Look, Sonny, I’m trying here, ok?”

Carisi searched his expression for a moment before shaking his head. “Why are you here, Rafael?”

It wasn’t the first time Carisi had called him by his first name, not by any means, but it never failed to make Rafael’s heart pound a little harder in his chest. Which meant he really was sunk. What he’d been trying to deny since that morning stumbling into his kitchen and seeing Carisi standing there like he was meant to be there, since all their time working together, since Carisi had sat at this very desk and dared him not to fall in love with him — the fact of the matter was, he had.

And it was long since time he stopped taking that out on Carisi.

“I’m here because I want to be,” Rafael said honestly. “Because I needed to apologize and because I need you to know that me not using the precedent you found wasn’t meant to be personal. I know that you know what you’re doing and I value everything you’ve done to help me—”

“Yeah, well, you’ve got a funny way of showing it,” Carisi said bluntly.

Rafael sighed. “Are you seriously not going to let me apologize?” he asked, more rhetorically than anything.

“You’ve already apologized,” Carisi told him. “Doesn’t mean I’m buying it.” Rafael made as if to speak but Carisi cut him off. “Because I’m sorry, but I can’t keep doing this. One day you want my help, the next day you’re kicking me outta your office for even making a suggestion. One day we’re friends, and the next…” He shook his head. “I’m tired of trying and getting nothing back.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael repeated. “It was never my intention to act like that. Because truth be told…” He hesitated before throwing caution to the wind. “Truth be told, I enjoy spending time with you. Both at work and...beyond.”

Carisi blinked. “Bullshit,” he said.

“Which part?” Rafael asked.

“All of it.”

Rafael sighed. “It’s not.”

Carisi just stared at him for a long moment. “Then prove it.”

“Fine,” Rafael said, matching Carisi’s tone. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Carisi said, without hesitation, and that probably shouldn’t have made Rafael feel as warm as it did that even after everything, Carisi still trusted him.

“Then let’s go.”

Though Carisi followed him, he still asked, “Where are we going?”

Rafael jabbed at the button for the elevator. “I thought you trusted me,” he said mildly.

“I do,” Carisi said. “Still want to know where the hell we’re going.”

“You’ll find out,” Rafael said, a little roughly, and together they went outside where Rafael flagged down a cab, giving the cabbie an address that, based on the confused look he tossed him, Carisi didn’t recognize.

They rode together in silence, tension thick between them, but for once in perhaps both their lives, neither man seemed willing to break it. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the cab stopped. “You sure this is the right place?” the cabbie asked, wary.

“Yes,” Rafael told him. “And if you hang around for a few minutes, there’s extra in it for you. We won’t be long.”

Carisi scowled as he followed Rafael out into the night air. “Care to explain why the hell you’ve dragged me all the way out to the Bronx at this time of night?” he said, arms crossed tightly in front of his chest.

Rafael took a deep breath. “Do you know anything about Marble Hill?” he asked.

“If you think dragging me to the Bronx for a geography lesson is the way to prove that you mean it—” Carisi started, but Rafael cut him off.

“Marble Hill was an island,” he said, glancing around the street. “When the north side of the Harlem River was filled in, the island became a part of the mainland.”

Carisi stared at him. “That’s...fascinating,” he said dryly, his tone of voice indicating the opposite.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Here,” he said, grabbing Carisi by the arm and dragging a few feet down the street. “Stand right there.”

“Raf, what the hell—”

“Marble Hill is a part of Manhattan,” Rafael interrupted. “The only part of Manhattan on the mainland. And you’re standing right where it meets the Bronx.”

Carisi stared blankly at him. “So?”

Rafael smiled, just slightly. “So you’re in two places at once.”

For one long moment, it looked like Carisi didn’t get it, but then a slow grin spread across his face. “Yeah?”

Rafael nodded. “Yeah.”

Carisi laughed, shaking his head with something like wonder in his expression. “C’mere,” he said, tugging Rafael to him and pulling him into a hug. “Thank you. I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“That’s not all I remembered,” Rafael told him honestly. “I remembered all of it. Because I _do_ care. About you, and this and…” He almost lost his nerve. “And us.”

Carisi’s smile faded, just slightly. “Raf—”

Rafael shook his head. “You don’t have to say anything,” he said. “I just — I need you to know how I feel. Because I’ve never really been all that good at expressing it, and you deserve more than that, Sonny. You deserve more than thinking that my feelings for you change from day to day because they don’t. And if I’ve acted like they do, it was only out of, I don’t know, misguided self-preservation, I guess.”

Carisi was still staring at him, his smile replaced entirely now by something that Rafael couldn’t quite read. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I think I love you.”

Rafael knew his face was burning at the admission but he didn’t so much as blink as he watched Carisi for his reaction to the words he had been denying for far too long. A mix of emotions flashed across Carisi’s expression, so quickly that Rafael could barely track them, and then Carisi shook his head. “I told you not to fall in love with me.”

He didn’t sound upset or angry, which had been Rafael’s biggest fear, but he also didn’t sound as excited as Rafael had hoped. So Rafael shrugged, and took a step away. “Yes, well,” he said, swallowing hard and shoving his hands in his pockets. “The problem with that was that I already was.”

He turned, ready to walk away, but Carisi caught his arm, holding him in place. “Good,” Carisi said, a little breathlessly, and Rafael chanced a glance back at him, just in time to see the small smile that reemerged on his face. “Because I already was, too.”

When Rafael later remembered that moment, he could never quite recall who had closed the space between them, but in the end, it didn’t matter. They moved as one, Rafael reaching up to cup Carisi’s cheek with one hand, the other balling in Carisi’s shirt as Carisi ducked his head to meet Rafael’s lips with his own.

They melted into each other for a long moment, drinking each other in. The kiss they shared, their first kiss, right where Manhattan met the Bronx, was not rushed or ferocious, but neither was it soft and tentative. It was measured, patient, sure — the perfect sum of everything that had brought them to this moment, together.

Carisi rested his forehead against Rafael’s, stroking his cheek with his thumb. “I love you,” he whispered, and Rafael smiled, just slightly.

“Good,” he said, “or this whole trip to the Bronx would’ve been a waste of time.”

Carisi laughed loudly, but before he could say anything else, the cabbie poked his head out of the car. “Hey, are you guys going back downtown or what?”

Rafael glanced up at Carisi. “What do you say?” he asked. “My place? Yours? Or we can stay here in two places at once.”

Carisi just grinned at him. “I don’t care,” he said honestly. “As long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters.”

 

**9\. Spend the whole day in bed with someone**

 They went back to Rafael’s. And for a few blissful weeks after that, they spent what little free time they had in much the same way, at either Rafael’s or Carisi’s apartments, savoring the realization that this was actually happening, that they had finally found each other.

It had been Rafael’s idea to sign the disclosure forms, to bring this out of their apartments, so to speak, and he had been surprised by Carisi’s reluctance. “It just…” Carisi sighed, trailing his finger along Rafael’s side. “It makes it so real.”

Rafael arched an eyebrow at him. “Oh, so this isn’t real for you?”

“Shut up, you know what I mean,” Carisi said without heat, leaning in and kissing him. “It’s always been real for me. But this brings the outside world into what we’ve got going here, and I just...I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

He had agreed to it, finally, but only after Rollins had made it clear she had stopped buying Carisi’s rather weak excuse for his rumpled suits about his dry cleaners being shut down. And thankfully, when they brought the forms to Olivia, Rafael saw none of that reluctance from Carisi.

Which was good, because he couldn’t say the same thing for Olivia.

After their initial explanation, Carisi had made a rather hasty departure, leaving Rafael alone with Olivia, who stared at the form in front of her before looking up at Rafael. “Are you sure about this?” she asked quietly.

Rafael frowned. He had expected some good-natured teasing at best, or perhaps a mild scolding that he hadn’t told her sooner at worst, but this...this he had not expected.

And so he acted as he always did in these situations. Defensively. “Of course I’m sure,” he snapped. “I don’t typically sign legal documents that I’m not sure about, especially ones involving my personal life.”

Olivia didn’t seem convinced. “I just think you’re moving awfully quickly,” she started, but Rafael cut her off.

“Det. Carisi and I have known each other for years now,” he said coldly. “If we moved any slower, we’d be standing still.”

She sighed. “I know that, I just…” She trailed off. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I am,” Rafael said, somewhat frostily. “And I had hoped you’d be happy for me. Evidently, that was too much to hope for.”

He didn’t wait for her to respond, sweeping out of her office without looking back. Though Olivia had since apologized, things were still cool between them, and so it was with somewhat of an ungracious thought that Rafael convinced Sonny to take the day off of work. “So we can cross something else off your list,” Rafael told him.

“Oh yeah?” Sonny asked, grinning. “What’s that?”

“Staying in bed all day,” Rafael told him. “Just you and me. And none of the real world.”

Whether because she felt guilty or for some other reason, Olivia actually approved Sonny’s time off request, and Rafael and Sonny found themselves together in bed in Sonny’s apartment on a Thursday, neither of them with any place to be for the first time in longer than either cared to think about.

“Didn’t you have a meeting today?” Sonny asked, stroking Rafael’s hair, and Rafael stretched up to kiss him lightly.

“Yeah, but it was with Buchanan, so he and I both knew I was going to end up cancelling it anyway.”

Sonny laughed lightly and leaned back against his pillow. “God, I haven’t felt this lazy in years.”

“Almost makes me want to consider my line of work,” Rafael said.

Sonny snorted. “Yeah, right.”

They spent the rest of the morning just like that, talking about everything and nothing. “What’s number one on your list?” Rafael asked at one point, apropos of nothing save his own curiosity and half-expecting Sonny not to actually answer.

But Sonny didn’t seem bothered by the question this time. “To get married in the church where my ma grew up,” he said quietly. “It’s where my parents got married.”

Rafael nodded slowly. “Catholic church, I assume?”

“Yeah,” Sonny said, his voice a little rough. “Hence, uh, why I’m not exactly planning to cross it off my list anytime soon.”

Rafael squeezed his hand. “Well, who knows,” he said, with as much bravado as he could muster. “Give it some time and maybe the Catholic Church will surprise you.”

Sonny sighed and shook his head. “Time,” he mused, more to himself than to Rafael. “That’s the one thing I don’t have.”

His words seemed odd to Rafael, who chose not to push it, steering the conversation back to safer ground. So he thought, anyway, until a few minutes later when he asked, “Hey, whatever came of that interview you had with the Brooklyn DA’s office? You never told me how it went, and I realize that was because we weren’t really speaking back then, but…”

Sonny shifted in bed. “Oh, uh, it went fine,” he said, noncommittally. “They, uh, they offered me the position. I turned ‘em down.”

Rafael nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t want to leave SVU so soon after Sgt. Dodds,” he said. “But there will be other ADA positions. I heard a rumor that there’s going to be a position opening up in the Bronx DA’s office, actually, working with sex crimes unit there. You could apply for that.”

“I don’t think so,” Sonny said quietly, and Rafael frowned.

“Listen, I know the Bronx has a reputation, but I came out of there ok—”

“It’s not that it’s the Bronx,” Sonny interrupted, a little roughly. “I just — I’m not going the ADA route.”

Rafael blinked. “Oh,” he said, somewhat surprised. “You planning on becoming a defense attorney? Because I don’t know if I can make that work—”

To his surprise, Sonny pushed him away and sat up, his expression dark. “Can you not joke about this for two seconds?” he snapped, and Rafael sat up slowly as well, trying to peg where this sudden change in mood had come from.

“I’m sorry,” he said cautiously. “I didn’t realize—”

“I’m sick,” Sonny interrupted, and Rafael frowned.

“If you’re not feeling well, I can go,” he offered, but Sonny just shook his head.

Rafael was surprised to see tears welling in Sonny’s eyes, and he instantly felt on edge for reasons he couldn’t explain. “No, Raf, that’s not—” Sonny broke off, frustrated, and he angrily wiped the tears that had fallen from his cheeks before telling Rafael in a low voice, “I’m sick. I have leukemia.”

“What?” Rafael said blankly, staring at Sonny, waiting for him to say that this was some kind of a joke — though if it was, Rafael wasn’t laughing. “What are you talking about?”

“I had it as a kid, and the doctors thought it would go into remission and that’d be the end of it, but it came back,” Sonny said, all in a rush, and Rafael shook his head, hearing the words he was saying, though none of them seemed to make any sense. “I found out four years ago that I had stopped responding to treatments. That’s, uh, that’s why I had the mustache when you first met me. It was the first time I had been able to grow facial hair since the chemo.”

He said it as if trying to lighten the mood but Rafael just stared at him, his heart seeming to have sunken so far he wasn’t sure anything would be able to lift it again. “No,” he said, his voice cracking, hollow even to his own ears. “No, you’re only 38. You’re healthy, you’re perfect, you’re—”

“I’m dying.”

Rafael flinched back as if trying to physically avoid the words, and he shook his head wildly, trying to find something, anything, to make sense of this. He settled as always for offense when no defense was to be found. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he snapped, crossing his arms so tightly that he feared he might snap, as if trying to physically hold himself together.

Sonny winced. “The, uh, the doctors told me that I should live life normally, as best I could. I didn’t wanna tell anybody. I didn’t want anybody being weird around me—”

“Including me?” Rafael half-shouted, fury his final refuge from what Sonny was telling him.

“Especially you!” Sonny said, his voice pained. “God, Raf, I — none of this was supposed to happen. I was getting along fine, I was content to just spend my time trying to make what little difference I could but then you—” He broke off, making no effort to stop the tears this time as they fell. “But then you dragged me out to the Bronx at 1 in the morning and you told me you loved me and—”

“And what, Sonny?” Rafael asked, his voice low, dangerous.

Sonny shook his head helplessly. “And I do not need a reason to be angry with God,” he said, his voice breaking.

Rafael didn’t want to hear anymore. He didn’t want to hear about what comfort Sonny had seemingly found in his faith, or what good he felt he was doing spending his last few months or years or however long he had working at SVU. He didn’t want to hear about the cancer that was going to take Sonny decades before his time.

He didn’t want any of it to be real.

So he stood, grabbing automatically for his clothes from the day before where he had left them pooled on the floor. “Where are you going?” Sonny asked, alarmed.

“I can’t be here right now,” Rafael said automatically. “I can’t—” He broke off, feeling a sob rise in his chest and forcing it back down.

“Raf, wait,” Sonny sighed, but Rafael didn’t wait.

He left.

He had no concrete plan in mind of where to go, but his body seemed to steer him automatically to the precinct, and Rafael felt something licking at the numbness that had spread through him after walking out of Sonny’s apartment, something he recognized: fury, again.

Olivia looked up at him when he stormed into her office, alarm clear in her expression. “Rafa, what—”

“Did you know?”

Olivia stared at him and for one vague moment, Rafael wondered what he must look like. “Did I know what?” she asked cautiously.

“Did you know about Sonny?” Something tightened in Olivia’s expression and it was the only answer Rafael needed. “Of course you knew,” he said, more to himself than to her. “You’re his supervisor, he would’ve had to tell you.” He barked a dry, humorless laugh. “And now it all makes sense, doesn’t it? Why you didn’t want me to disclose with him.” He ran a hand across his face, surprised to find that his cheeks were wet. He didn’t even realize he had been crying. “And of course you couldn’t tell me, HIPAA laws and all that, but still, you — you should’ve—”

He couldn’t seem to the get the next words out, but it didn’t matter anyway. Olivia understood, as she always seemed to, and she was at his side in an instant, leading him to the couch and sitting him down, wrapping an arm around him as he cried.

“I don’t want to lose him,” Rafael told her, and Olivia just held him tighter.

Sometime later — time had stopped feeling real to Rafael the moment Sonny told him he had cancer, so it could have been minutes or hours later for all he knew — there was a light knock on the door, and Rafael knew without looking who it was. “Are you ok?” Olivia asked softly, and Rafael nodded wordlessly. “Then I’ll give you two some privacy.”

She stood to let Sonny into her office before leaving, closing the door after herself. Sonny hovered awkwardly around the doorway, his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry,” he said, and Rafael closed his eyes. “I should’ve told you sooner. From the beginning, I guess, before…”

He trailed off and Rafael swallowed, hard. “Before I fell in love with you?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Sonny said roughly. “Something like that.”

Rafael wiped the heel of his palm roughly across his cheeks. “Well, it’s too late for that, isn’t it,” he said, looking up at Sonny. “And I’m sorry, too.”

“Raf, you have nothing to be sorry for—” Sonny started, closing the space between them and sitting down next to him, but Rafael just shook his head, even as he reached blindly for Sonny’s hand.

“I made you do too many things,” he said. “I mean, Christ, I dragged you to the Bronx at 1 in the morning when you’re sick, and—”

“And if anything, you’ve kept me healthy longer,” Sonny interrupted.

Rafael nodded slowly, though he wasn’t quite sure he could accept that. He wasn’t quite sure he could accept any of this. “Are you scared?” he whispered, because he was absolutely terrified, and he needed to know he wasn’t alone in that.

Sonny managed a small smile. “To death,” he said simply, and Rafael recoiled.

“That’s not funny.”

“It is,” Sonny said firmly. “It has to be. Because it’s the only way we’re gonna make it through this.”

But they weren’t. Rafael would, but Sonny wouldn’t, and Rafael felt every piece of his heart shatter at that realization. “I’m scared of losing you,” he whispered, and Sonny pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Rafael and just holding him.

“I’m scared of you leaving,” Sonny said softly after a long moment, and Rafael turned to look up at him.

“That’ll never happen,” he said fervently.

Sonny half-smiled. “It did today.”

Rafael swallowed and shook his head slowly. “And I’m sorry about that,” he said quietly. “I just—”

“I know,” Sonny said.

Rafael leaned his head against Sonny’s chest. “I’m sorry for ruining our day in bed together,” he said quietly. “I know it’s one of the things on your list and I realize now that it’s more important than ever that you actually do those things.”

“Hey,” Sonny told him softly, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, “it’s ok. We still have time, Raf. Ok? We still have time.”

But as Sonny pulled him even closer, Rafael couldn’t help but think that even if they did have time left, it wasn’t enough.

It could never be enough.

 

**1\. Get married in the church my mother did**

“Sonny, I’m home,” Rafael called, pausing in the doorway to slip out of his coat, tossing his keys in the bowl. Sonny appeared in the kitchen doorway looking thin and wan and tired, but that was always how he looked these days.

“You’re late,” he said accusingly, and Rafael sighed, crossing to him and kissing him.

“I know,” he said. “I had to make a detour on the way home. But I brought you something to make up for it.”

He set the bag down on the kitchen counter and Sonny brightened. “Is that from the bakery near my parents’ place?” he exclaimed

Rafael smiled. “It sure is.”

Sonny reached eagerly for the bag before pausing. “Hang on,” he said, clearly suspicious, “what in the hell were you doing on Staten Island?”

“I needed to ask your parents’ blessing for something,” Rafael told him, and Sonny’s brow furrowed.

“What—” he started, but Rafael cut him off.

“Do you love me?”

Instantly Sonny’s expression softened, and he leaned in and kissed Rafael lightly. “Of course.”

Rafael felt his heart beating a little faster in his chest, even though he was as confident of Sonny’s answer as he was of anything. “Will you do something for me, then?”

“Anything,” Sonny said instantly.

Rafael licked his lips nervously and fumbled in his pocket before pulling the ringbox out and getting down on one knee. “Will you marry me?”

Sonny stared at him for a long moment, indecision clear in his expression. “Raf,” he sighed, “I know you wanna fulfill the number one thing on my list, but we can’t get married in a Catholic church, so—”

“It’s not,” Rafael interrupted, trying not to sound as eager as he felt.

Sonny frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Your mother’s old parish consolidated with a neighboring parish and they had to sell the building about ten years ago,” Rafael told him, unable to stop his smile. “They sold it to an Episcopal church.” Sonny just stared blankly at him and Rafael sighed. “Sonny, the Episcopal church recognizes same-sex marriage.”

Realization dawned over Sonny’s expression and his eyes widened. “We can get married in my ma’s church?”

Rafael grinned. “We can get married in your mother’s church,” he confirmed, before adding, “If you say yes to my question, anyway.”

Sonny didn’t hesitate, pulling Rafael off the ground with a strength he didn’t typically still have. “Yes, fuck, of course yes,” he babbled before kissing Rafael.

Rafael laughed lightly, reaching up to brush a lock of hair out of Sonny’s eyes before slowly sliding the ring onto Sonny’s finger. “Fiancé,” he whispered, unable to stop the little thrill that ran through him at the word.

“Future husband,” Sonny said with a slightly smug grin, and Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Pedant.”

“Well no shit,” Sonny whispered, kissing Rafael once more. “Why do you think you’re marrying me?” He froze. “Oh, shit, I gotta call — well, fuck, I gotta call everyone. My sisters, Amanda, Fin, Liv—”

Rafael cut him off by kissing him. “I can handle Olivia,” he said. “But when it comes to your sisters, you’re on your own.”

Sonny laughed, though he stopped abruptly. “Do we, uh, do we have a date?” he asked, with a somewhat forced casualness.

Rafael knew why. The last trip to the doctor had confirmed that Sonny didn’t have much time left.

They had both known it.

It hadn’t made it any easier to hear.

Rafael cleared his throat and blinked away the tears that threatened. He was not going to let this moment be ruined by the thought of what was to come. “Is two weeks from Saturday too soon?” he asked lightly.

“Two weeks from Saturday?” Sonny practically yelped. “How the hell’d you pull that off?”

“They had a cancellation,” Rafael said with a laugh. A cancellation, and a very sympathetic priest who had lost his own wife a few years earlier to cancer.

Sonny just shook his head, eyes wide. “God, Gina’s gonna kill me for making her plan a wedding in two weeks.”

“Tell her I said that if anyone can pull it off, it’s her,” Rafael told him calmly, and Sonny grinned.

“Flatterer,” he teased, and Rafael smirked.

“Well no shit,” he said, echoing Sonny’s words back to him. “Why do you think you’re marrying me?”

Sonny just laughed and kissed him, the cool metal of the gold band he now wore feeling both foreign and familiar against Rafael’s skin as he cupped his cheek.

* * *

 

Two weeks later, Rafael stood at the front of a small church on Staten Island and watched as Sonny walked down the aisle to him, flanked by his parents on either side, and he knew that no matter what was to come, it would all be worth it for this moment alone.

Their vows were simple, timeless, with one exception — they had opted to swap “til death do us part” for “for all the days of my life” at Rafael’s quiet insistence.

Because it was true. He would love Sonny for all the days of his life, no matter how many of those days would be spent without the man at his side.

“I love you,” Sonny whispered as he slid the wedding band onto Rafael’s finger.

“I love you, too,” Rafael told him. “Forever.”

It was the easiest and truest vow he had ever made.

 

**2\. Witness a miracle**

Rafael glanced down at the list still in his hand, feeling the now all-too familiar pain in his chest as he looked at the list of things Sonny had always wanted to accomplish. Half of them were crossed off, including the number one thing, but there were so many left undone, so many he would never get to do, and Rafael was struck, as always, by how monumentally unfair the world was.

He ran his thumb lightly across the second thing on the list and glanced up at Dom. “I’m sorry he never got his miracle,” he said softly.

Dom managed a small, sad smile. “He did,” he said gently. “You were his miracle, Rafael.”

Rafael’s throat felt tight and he looked back down at the list for so long that the words all seemed to blur together. After a long moment, Dom asked quietly, “How are you really?”

Rafael shook his head slowly. “I never used to like mornings,” he said quietly, knowing that it wasn’t really an answer to Dom’s question. “But now...Now I love that moment when I can lie there with my eyes closed and pretend, even for just a second. Pretend that when I open them, Sonny will be there still, snoring like a freight train next to me or propped up on one elbow smiling as he watched me sleep. Or even just in the kitchen, singing along to the radio as he made pancakes.”

He smiled slightly at the memories of those exact moments, but his smile was short lived. “But inevitably, I have to open my eyes, and he’s not there. And every day is a little bit like losing him all over again.”

Dom nodded slowly, his expression pained, and Rafael cleared his throat, blinking back the tears he felt pricking in the corners of his eyes. “Normally what gets me out of bed is the fit I know Sonny would throw if he could see me like that, but some days…” He trailed off and shook his head. “Some days it’s easier to just keep my eyes closed and pretend. Just for a little while longer.”

“I don’t think Sonny would throw a fit over that,” Dom said softly. “He loved you. He’d understand.”

“Yeah,” Rafael said quietly. “He probably would.”

He didn’t tell Dom that some days, it was only the thought of Sonny’s exasperation or disapproval that motivated him to do anything. He didn’t tell him that that was the only reason he had finally come out to Staten Island to have dinner with him and Tessa, that he knew Sonny would be disappointed he hadn’t been making more of an effort.

There were some parts of grief that Rafael kept for himself because of how intimately they tied to his memories of Sonny when he was alive.

Later that evening, Rafael stood on the Staten Island ferry, resting his arms against the railing. He could feel a warm breeze blowing in off the ocean and he closed his eyes, feeling it wash over him.

For one beautiful, perfect moment, he could practically feel Sonny behind him, feel the other man slip his arms around Rafael’s waist and tuck his chin against Rafael’s shoulder the way they had done so many times before, and he felt himself smile despite himself.

“You’re still here,” he whispered.

He remembered telling Sonny that when he found him in his kitchen that first night of Rafael’s security detail. He remembered echoing it back to him in genuine surprise the first time Sonny had stayed the night, mostly out of shock that he hadn’t gotten a call from the precinct halfway through the night. He especially remembered jokingly saying it to Sonny the morning after their wedding, as he if he had expected Sonny to have already left.

And he knew, with as much faith as he had left, that Sonny was still there. Not in the way he wanted or the way, on those days when it felt like Rafael could barely keep the pieces of himself together, he needed.

But there nonetheless.

So he kept his eyes closed, and he could’ve sworn that he heard Sonny whisper in his ear, “Of course I’m still here. I don’t have anywhere better to be.”


End file.
